Today's Prayer

Dear God, grant us courage to follow Christ. Strengthen us for what may come so that we can triumph through faith and love.

Great Day!

Today was a great day! I got to spent time with my new little niece, Natalie. She is so tiny. I spent the day with my dad and sister. Amelia, Ella and I drove up this morning. Tanya looks like such a proud mommy. What an amazing thing; having a baby.

I also had a great day because I got to spend some quality time with Amelia. Dad and I took her and Alex to McDonalds for lunch. Dad, Ella, Amelia and I went to dinner and then grocery shopping. It was fun shopping with dad. Amelia was good all day long. I never got stressed or anger. What a relaxing day! It is amazing what happens when you cut one kid out of the mix. LOL!

Family Updates

Ella ventured to school with me today. She was diagnosed with RSV last Friday but she is doing much better. Each day she sounds better and coughs less. She is cooing and ahhahhing so much these days. She is responding to me smiling at her. It is great to see those true smiles and not just from gas. LOL. I think she is starting to figure out where her hands are. She was swatting at a toy and it appeared to be purposeful swatting not just random moving of the arms. I reflect back on the last two and half months and wonder where the time has gone. She no longer fits snuggly on my chest. I already miss that.

The weather was so nice today after dinner we decided to go for a walk. Ella had her first outing in the snugglie carrier. Amelia and Caden pushed their kid strollers. Amelia pushed a baby in her stroller where Caden pushed a baseball. Ah! That's my son. When we got home oldest kids took their bath and off to bed. Ella on the other hand sat in her bouncy chair and watched mommy work out. With everything that happened with Tanya my workout schedule got put on hold. Good news though today that Natalie may be able to come home real soon. She was getting her hearing screening today and her Hep B vaccine. Things are looking good that she will be home for Easter.

While at school today I did let them know that I have decided not to return to work this school year. I need to focus on me and my family. It was a hard decision and financially we will be pinching our pennies but it will be worth it. God is leading me in this direction for a reason.

Emotional Times

Well this week has been another life changing week. My sister delivered her little one on Tuesday 3 1/2 weeks early. I was present for the entire labor. I ended up staying awake for 41 hours making sure that Tanya was okay. Ella spent the night in the hospital with us. Crazy times have been upon us. My brother-in-law was sick with the flu and was only present for about 10 minutes of the labor. He didn't seem to care that he missed everything; maybe he was just too sick. He also was diagnosed with pneumonia on Saturday in one lung. Tanya was discharged on Friday but little Natalie has to stay in the hospital. Dad and I have been taking care of her other three so she can stay at the hospital. ;; I have to sleep.

Today's Prayer

Today's Prayer
God of the journey, help us to absorb the nourishment of challenging and difficult times so we may continue to grow in you. Amen.

I Did It!

Okay so motivation is a huge issue for me. I was extremely tired today because I was running all day. I also watch my friend's 8 1/2 month old, Tanner, along with Ella today. Tanner weighes almost 20 pounds. Yikes. Talk about working out. It was fun but not something I would want to experience every day. (Praises to my cousin Nicole who did this with her two youngest, who are only 11 months apart) So when we got home from dinner I did not want to work out. Kevin helped by getting my workout clothes, shoes, and water ready for me while I cared for Ella and I DID IT! I worked out. I did my 40 minutes for the day. YEAH ME!

During the workout the instructor, Chalene, said write your goals down. If you don't write them down, you are not accountable and it doesn't help focus what you are trying to reach. So I am writing my goals down today. I am writing my short term and long term goals. Some are ongoing decisions I have to make each and every day.

Goal Weight: 130-140 lbs

Goal #1: Switch to diet pop.
Goal #2: Drink 8 oz of water before each meal.
Goal #3: Follow the workout schedule for at least 90 days.

There you have it. I have committed to 90 days. I am sure that my motivation will be much more positive after the 90 days. I will see results I am sure and that will be self motivating. I just have to stick to it.

Reality around the corner

Well today I spent some time in reality at school. I went to my job, which I am not working at right now, and worked in the greenhouse. It is peaceful in the greenhouse with the hum of the fans and the warmth on my skin, the green plants representing life. It is also a reminder of my mom because I took some of the plants from her funeral there. I even spent some time with the children, giving orders. It was nice to be there but also makes me realize that I will need to return to reality and move on. Right now I am in a different place mentally. Not having to work right now has given me time to think about what I want out of life. I have come to the conclusion that I need to do something different. Some day I would like to be a cake decorator or a flower arranger; maybe a photographer. Of course I need to stay in teaching long enough to pay off my bills.

Today I started thinking about my mom. I feel like I am forgetting her. I can't remember what it feels like to have her hug me. I am having a hard time remembering what her laugh sounds like or how it sounded when she would greet us at the door upon arrival to her house. I have lived with my mother for 33 years and it only takes one month to start forgetting the things we have done in those 33 years. It sucks!

I have a decision to make in the next week and that is: Do I return to reality in May or wait until September. Do I need more time to think and grieve or do I need to return to reality? If I go back to work and get busy with my job and children allow me to still remember or will I be too busy to write my memories in my journal. I don't want to forget. I want to be able to share my memories with my children to keep my mother alive.