Well today I spent some time in reality at school. I went to my job, which I am not working at right now, and worked in the greenhouse. It is peaceful in the greenhouse with the hum of the fans and the warmth on my skin, the green plants representing life. It is also a reminder of my mom because I took some of the plants from her funeral there. I even spent some time with the children, giving orders. It was nice to be there but also makes me realize that I will need to return to reality and move on. Right now I am in a different place mentally. Not having to work right now has given me time to think about what I want out of life. I have come to the conclusion that I need to do something different. Some day I would like to be a cake decorator or a flower arranger; maybe a photographer. Of course I need to stay in teaching long enough to pay off my bills.
Today I started thinking about my mom. I feel like I am forgetting her. I can't remember what it feels like to have her hug me. I am having a hard time remembering what her laugh sounds like or how it sounded when she would greet us at the door upon arrival to her house. I have lived with my mother for 33 years and it only takes one month to start forgetting the things we have done in those 33 years. It sucks!
I have a decision to make in the next week and that is: Do I return to reality in May or wait until September. Do I need more time to think and grieve or do I need to return to reality? If I go back to work and get busy with my job and children allow me to still remember or will I be too busy to write my memories in my journal. I don't want to forget. I want to be able to share my memories with my children to keep my mother alive.
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